The Dark Side of Valentines Day
Things to be aware of this valentines day
Love is in the air…
Valentine’s day is an exciting time! People are renewing their love to one another or discovering feelings for someone new. Maybe even arranging to have your first date on one of the most romantic days of the year.
These are all the positives of valentines day and are great. There is always, however a darker side to things, a yin to the yang if you like.
This is something that is not exclusive to valentines day but to relationships in general and that is coercive or abusive control in the relationship.
These types of relationships are on the rise so being able to recognize and act on these behaviors is super important and feeds into your practice of self defence.
Early signs
Avoidance is always the best strategy when it comes to self defence. In the context of relationships it is being able to recognize the signs of a potential abusive partner early in the relationship so you can get away quickly before any long term damage is done.
For example if you have a date with someone this valentine’s day and you have to cancel the date at the last minute and they get annoyed and start asking probing questions such as who are you meeting, where are you going etc. This is a warning sign and you should probably not continue to see this person.
Entrenched
Sometimes we are not aware of the early signs of abuse and fall into a relationship with an abuser. Sometimes we can’t see the woods for the trees and are so deep into the relationship we don’t realize that your partners behaviors are wrong.
It can be awful and confusing being caught in an abusive relationship, so here is a list of behaviors which are considered abusive/coercive (these behaviors can also crop up early in a relationship):
Do they hurt you (emotionally or physically), or threaten to hurt you?
Is your partner jealous or possessive?
Are they charming one minute and abusive the next?
Do they tell you what to wear, where to go, who to see?
Do they constantly check up on you?
Are you constantly put down?
Is your access to money or transport controlled?
Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?
Do you feel controlled or isolated?
Are you pressed to have sex when you don’t want to?
Are displays of anger used to frighten and control you?
Do they ignore or belittle your opinions or accomplishments?
Do they blame you for their behaviour?
Do they threaten to commit suicide / self-harm if you leave?
Do they threaten to take your children away or harm them?
Listen to your gut
If feel like something is wrong it probably is! Humans devloped instincts for a reason they keep you alive and away from danger. If your instincts are telling you something is not right, then listen.
Not your fault
It’s important to say that if you are a victim of an abusive relationship it is never your fault. So don’t blame yourself and instead try to take steps to get away from your abusive partner.
Get out
If this article has helped you identify some problems with your partner or you have known that you are being abused and don’t know how to leave safely then you can contact the below charities to seek further help.
Refuge provides confidential, non-judgemental, and independent support services to those living in Southwark who have experienced or are at risk of, gender-based violence. Telephone: 0118 214 7150 Email: sdas@refuge.org.uk; www.refuge.org.uk
Rape Crisis (support for all form of sexual violence) https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
Hestia (domestic abuse support) https://www.hestia.org/
Nia (domestic and sexual abuse support including prostitution)https://niaendingviolence.org.uk/
Galop (domestic and sexual abuse, hate crime support for LGBTQIA+ people)https://galop.org.uk/
Latin American Women’s Aid (LAWA) (domestic abuse support for Latin American women) https://lawadv.org.uk/
KWRO (domestic abuse and other types of gender-based violence support forMiddle Eastern, North African and Afghan women) https://ikwro.org.uk/
Paladin (stalking support) https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/
Suzy Lamplugh Trust (stalking and harassment support) https://www.suzylamplugh.org/
Ashiana Network (domestic abuse and gender-based violence support for South Asian women) https://www.ashiana.org.uk/
Stay Safe East (support service for disabled people from diverse communities in London who are victims/survivors of domestic or sexual violence, hate crime, harassment and other forms of abuse) https://www.staysafe-east.org.uk/
In emergencies
If you are in immediate danger, always call the Police on 999.
Silent Help: if you are calling from a mobile phone and are unable to speak, dial 999 then 55. Police will be sent to help you
If it is not an emergency but you need help from the police, please call 101.
For non-emergencies you can report a crime online.
You can call Victim Support (https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/) on 08 08 16 89 111 or start a live chat; or call the National Domestic Abuse helpline (24hrs day) on 0808 2000 247.
Stand together
It is important that as a society we stand up to abuse and violence. The best way to do this is by spreading awareness. Talk to friends and family about these subjects or your experiences and the best way to get out.
The best disinfectant is sunlight so lets talk about these challenging subjects and help stop domestic abuse!
Don’t wear chainmail for paper cuts
I would like to finish this article by saying the response needs to be equivalent to the threat hence the saying ‘Don’t wear chainmail for paper cuts’. You are not going to go to work wearing chainmail because you might get a paper cut. Likewise you shouldn’t approach your valentines day date with fear and uncertainty.
Just be aware of the signs and listen to them and if you can get out as soon as possible.
Learn these skills
We teach all of these skills and many more in our self defence classes. We are based in Brixton London so if you are in the area you can come along for a free trial class.